The Power of Unconditional Self Acceptance
In today’s society our self-worth is usually measured by others, or to be more precise by how we think others see us and what they think of us.
This restricts us in so many ways. We are constantly judging ourselves based on how we talk, what we wear, how we act, what we think, what we say and so much more. All because there is a “MUST” coded somewhere deep inside us conveying the message that we MUST BE LOVED BY EVERYONE, MUST BE APPRECIATED, MUST BE PERFECT, MUST SHOW THAT WE ARE LEADING A PERFECT LIFE (at least on our social media accounts).
All these “MUSTS” are making us diminish ourselves and our self-worth by imposing unrealistic standards and expectations. The funny thing is we are imposing those standards first on ourselves and then sometimes on others. Think about it, how likely are you to understand and forgive somebody on his/her imperfections or find an excuse when they have done something wrong.
And now try to remember: when was the last time you accepted yourself for not being perfect (no matter if it’s about your looks, behavior, situation, relationship) or for making a mistake? I bet this was much harder — for some even impossible — since in order to do so you need to unconditionally accept yourself.
“Unconditional Self-Accepting means you refuse to give your SELF, your personality, your being — any global rating.” — Albert Ellis
Now, in theory it sounds perfect and easy but in real life and therapy we are struggling to do so. We are conditioned by so many factors as of childhood when our parents are modeling us, and we want to be accepted by them. Then comes adolescence, as teenagers we are trying to break the boundaries and be accepted by peer groups and this goes on throughout our entire lives.
We simply forget, somewhere down the road, that our SELF is not made up of our actions and our behaviors but it is rather complex because we are all human beings unique in our own ways. Yet, it’s so easy for us to label ourselves every time we do not achieve something or make a mistake.
Let me make an analogy, often used with clients and on workshops: imagine you receive a fruit basket as a gift. You take out a wonderful apple, sweet, just perfect looking and tasting as well. Then you grab a juicy pear. Next time you reach for a fruit you end up with an orange that started to go bad, then a squishy banana. After that you reach for a perfect peach and then some sour grapes. How would you name this basket? How would you describe it? Is it a perfect basket or the basket filled with awful, rotten fruits? Or neither.
That fruit basket is actually you. And all those fruits inside it is who you are, your characteristics. Judging yourself based on just one characteristic or a “bad apple” (trait, behavior, result, looks, situation….) is unrealistic. It is the same as if you were saying that the fruit basket is bad only because it has couple of bad fruits in it.
You will, most likely, agree with all written above and find it very logical. Can you actually do it? Can you accept yourself for who you are without conditioning? Think also what are the labels you are giving yourself and when.
There is a tendency of labeling and condemning ourselves because of our behaviors. Here is an example: you studied hard but have failed an exam, you start calling yourself a failure, a stupid person who cannot learn anything. You are starting to get angry at yourself and are having trouble to start learning and take another exam. Yet, is it really like that? Are you a failure? No, you are not, even if it wasn’t the first time this has happened since you’ve passed so many exams till now.
The person that has unconditionally accepted him/herself will most likely not have the above-mentioned flow of thought but would acknowledge what happened and start making the strategy or a plan on how to overcome the situation. What they know is the following: even if it happens again, it’s ok and it is allowed to happen. We are all human beings and as such we are making mistakes but that does not determine our self-worth.
This is where the power of unconditional self-acceptance lies: by not condemning ourselves we are able accept who we are, we can change and move forward in any situation.
Or as Carl Rogers said:
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”